I’m still learning to be a Dad

I wanted to write something open and honest about being a Dad.

The truth is, after nearly 15 years, I’m still learning day by day.

What does being a Dad look like to others?

Truth be told, the raw and honest truth; I’m only just beginning to be comfortable with being a Dad, and I had to learn that.

Truth is, being a Dad looks very different to everyone. Some have had amazingly supportive Dads, Some have never even had a Dad.

I know there may be some people upset with some of the content of this blog, but I invite you to go easy; because like all things, being a Dad or any parent is like a new skill - it’s something that takes time, and with practice, we all get a little better.

It wasn’t until recently did I begin to reflect on my time as a parent; and it’s only really been now, with my 2 youngest kids Ari & Franki have I began to ‘look like’ the Dad I’ve always wanted to be.

That doesn’t mean I love my 3 other kids any less, or the younger 2 more than their siblings, ‘because I gave them more the time and attention’, quite frankly, it was because I was lazy, took the mother’s of my kids for granted & at times. I expected them to do things that I should’ve helped with & being brutally honest with myself, it was because I didn’t know how to be a Dad, and fronting up & being the Dad I wanted to be, well I didn’t know how to be that - I had to learn it.

It wasn’t until recently, have I felt entirely comfortable in my own skin about having my children in my own care, by myself at home; I mean, when I had no choice, yeah I could handle it no problems, but my anxieties would be out’ve control and I would make every excuse possible to make sure that it didn’t happen or was at very limited occasions; that I actually had to look after my own kids - ludicrous isn’t it... hurts me to even think I was like that!!

It was a conscious decision that made me take the step. To own my responsibilities

Again, this may not seem like a big thing to most but I felt compelled to write it down, not for me, but maybe if I have been feeling this as a Dad (for 15 years) maybe there are some other brothers out there too feeling the same.

This isn’t to get a pat on the back, or to be applauded, it’s about owning my mistakes & lessons.

It has only been during my recent personal study of trauma recovery, did I begin to delve into understanding of what and how trauma effects people. One really important take away from this course, probably one of the easiest to read and understand; the saying ‘behaviour is language’ and it wasn’t until I started processing my own behaviours did I begin to understand the language I was putting out; again, some of these languages, responses to trauma and genetics but also learnt behaviours.

I don’t ever judge anyone on being a poor role model, poor mother or father, I ask why...

How can we judge someone on being a parent, when we don’t know if they were an orphan themselves; never had role modelling and are navigating their own traumas.

We live in a judgemental society where the first thing we do is judge behaviours, rather than show compassion & ask why.

I have had people close to me, be very critical of my behaviours in being a Dad - there are sometimes I react in defence, other times in reflection I know it’s dead on the truth.

With my eldest 3 kids Brodi, Phoenix & Rome - when Brodi was born almost 15 years ago, I was at the heights of my alcohol & drug addictions. There were times I didn’t come home & when I did I was on an alcohol and drug come down/hangover. I thought I was doing the best that I knew, but looking back, it was far from my best. When Phoenix came along, I was in early sobriety, my head was a mess and the process of getting sober, drug free & dealing with severe mental health challenges, whilst trying to keep my NRL career on track, really took up majority of my time - with my 2 eldest kids; do I wish things were different, YES!!

The thought of who I was then, compared to who I am now, literally drives me into a dark depression and a constant guilt daily - why, because they deserved better and to be honest I’m probably paying for it a little with our relationship now. Just recently did my daughter, who’s a fierce and passionate 13 yr old; had some words to me that challenged me & cut me deep to my core; but it was the truth - again, that bought about some reflection of myself to improve me as a person, change my behaviours, and build a better relationship with her.

My 8 year old boy Rome, when he was born, mentally I was a wreck. Before he was born I was a mess; I struggled to do anything positive in my life, let alone be active in my biggest responsibility.

My relationship with my 2 eldest kids was all but non existent, due to the negative impacts of separation and marriage breakdown, and me walking out.

Reflecting, I wasn’t anywhere near the father I wanted to be, and to be fair, I wasn’t in a great space to be a positive anything

I was at the peak of my troubles with my mental health battles.

Quite literally, I was struggling to stay alive let alone alone try be a good Dad.

In hindsight - I was running away from my responsibilities as a father; why, because I didn’t know how to be one.

As mentioned above, I’m not sure the defining moment, but I’m conscious, to a degree of my behaviours as a Dad.

Just recently Rome’s mother sent me a message challenging me on my behaviours around being on my phone to much. Again, I told her it was a coping mechanism to hide/run away/silence what goes on in my head - but just writing this right now in this very present moment; maybe my coping mechanism, should or can be about being more present with the kids; rather than being present with writing or working on my phone..

Am I just writing excuses - maybe, but I see it as accountability; to do better, grow & learn more as a man, a better Dad, a better Father; will I mess up, of course I will; am I saying I will make a conscious effort to do better? Yes, I will do my best - remember, my best is my best; not anybody else’s best..

Now, I am in a position as to where I am completely confident in being the best Dad I can be, for all my kids.

I love all my kids, more than anything in my life and I will always do my best to speak a positive language through my behaviours;

Can my behaviours as a father be better??

Of course they can, and I will continue to try my best at being conscious to these behaviours & always try my best to learn by this everyday...

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